Zero Fucks To Give

Last year a friend sent me a link to a Facebook group, with a two word message, “wanna go?” I was in NOLA at the time with my daughter, and had just gotten back from Mexico the month before, so to say I was hesitant is a bit of an understatement. I told her I would get back to her when I got home and left it at that.

But, I kept coming back to the link. I’d never attended something like this before, didn’t even know such things existed. It was an event that catered to the plus-sized population. A week long party in Vegas, with themed dances each evening and fun games through the day, to avoid the July heat, or gatherings by the pool. Everyone in the group seemed so friendly.

When I got home I crunched some numbers and said “fuck it, let’s go!” Bought my ticket, booked the flight and hotel, and looked forward to my first trip to Vegas.

That’s right, it took me 42 years before I ever went to Sin City. I don’t gamble, I don’t drink much, nor shop, the main features of Vegas. I do enjoy shows though, (saw none) and figured even if the event wasn’t my scene there was plenty other things to do. I even created a Bingo Card with 24 things to see and do while there. I got about half the card finished. I was impressed and disappointed all in one. Meant there would be future trips!!

But, that wasn’t the main reason for the trip. It was the event I was going for. I won’t lie, I was curious about such events, and found this shindig had been going on for over 20 years! I started chatting and friending people in the group and found an extraordinary gaggle of people just looking for a place to be themselves, without worry or judgement. Body positivity and acceptance was the only requirement.

I was a rookie, so I asked a tonne of questions. I started researching themes and spent the five months between trips carefully planning outfits for each one. I was on a mission to have the best time.

You see, it was my first solo vacation ever.

I’d always travelled with friends or Spawn, I’d never gone on a vacation with just me, myself, and I. I couldn’t wait to explore the city and meet all kinds of new people. To experience a different kind of holiday, where only I got to make the choices on where to go and what to dot. I didn’t have to consider the feelings of others, just got to be.

It didn’t quite work out that way though. The friend who invited me had ulterior motives for inviting me on the trip, one of which was she was never planning to attend. She sent me the info in the hopes of…well, that’s a story for another day. Let’s just say what I planned and what happened were different.

I spent 7 nights and 8 days in Vegas, loved every minute of the blistering heat (I hate to be cold), explored hotels, rode the roller coaster, ate good food, went to the wax museum, but most importantly made new friends. People I still talk with today. People who are in Vegas right now living it up for this year’s grand party.

And I am at home.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I bought my ticket as soon as the last event was over.

Booked my hotel as soon as the group rate was open.

Started watching for flight deals.

Watched eagerly for the event list so I could plan new outfits and looks.

Then…November 5th.

That was the start of my hesitation.

Then…January 20th.

That was my decision to not go.

I messaged the event coordinator, explaining that with the political tension between countries, and the uncertainty of the future, I couldn’t in good conscience attend this year. She completely understood. I wasn’t the only one backing out for that reason. I left the group chats, and donated my ticket to someone who could use it. I could have deferred, but there was no promise that next year was going to look any better than this year. Instead, I wanted someone to have a fantastic time in my place.

The event started yesterday and my notifications have been going off like crazy. Every time I start looking over the pics the FOMO feels come rearing up! I could silence them, mute the group, but I love watching them all have such a ridiculously good time. I can’t wait to see the costumes each night, and hear the fun gossip of everyone’s shenanigans.

I have regrets. I wish I was there.

One day I will be. I promised Christy cookies, and David the chance to cut a rug on the dance floor. I have a bingo card to finish. Old friends to hug. New friends to meet. New memories to form.

I only hope that next year is better…