Zero Fucks To Give

I’m creeping up to that age where apathy for the needs of others is becoming a warm, fuzzy blanket. For the vast majority of my life being selfish was seen as a negative trait. That it was my duty as the eldest daughter, a mother, a wife to prioritize the demands of family over the needs of self. I know I’m not the only one. I could write lists of women who live similar lives, finding themselves at the burnt out edges of existence. Where the idea of walking away and not looking back seems like a wonderful alternative. Yet, we all know we won’t. We have children to raise, parents to care for and family obligations that keeps us extremely rooted in the soil of our homes.

So while I’m not walking away from my family (yet!) I’ve opted to live a more selfish life, to prioritize my needs above others. To be the woman who says no to anyone and anything that is not bringing value to my life.

I’m in a fortunate position to do this. I am a single mom of a 17 year old, extremely independent daughter, who is practically raising herself at this point. I just sign the legal documents. I work a well paying job and I live with my father, which affords me to finance the life I want to live. If I had to pay the basic cost of living, even with my job I couldn’t afford a fraction of what I’m able to experience.

I see my privilege, and I acknowledge it.

This need to step forward and shake off the emblematic mantle of caregiver started last year, when 2024 became the year of travel. I said yes to every chance to get on a plane that I could. Seven trips in 365 days was quite the feat, and I loved every trip I took, even the work ones. I did not particularly like the bank balance at the end, but I wouldn’t trade those experiences and memories for a savings account.

This year I opted to stick closer to home and have local experiences. I started by re-acquainting myself with the theatrical arts, in all forms. First up, the ballet, then plays, operas, symphonies. I’ve compiled quite the collection of playbills and programs. I gave standing ovations to the shows that swept me away, respectful applause for those that didn’t. I fell in love with the stage all over again.

(I should write more on these, regaling you with anecdotes of my own stage time. Alas, another post for another day. Today is about violence, not art.)

I also invested in my appearance. Carefully curating a closet full of pieces that can be interchanged with each other. I developed a Sunday Self Care routine that was part skincare and part haircare, all pampering! I got a coach to get me back on track with my health and exercise goals. Began meditating to let go of the past, and welcome the possibilities of the future. I put my life and actions into perspective, owning poor choices and absolute fuck ups (and there are a few). I put the anger I’d held aside and dropped judgement from my vocabulary. I shifted perspective from the outside to the inside.

It wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy. Every time I purchase a ticket, book a reservation or explore a new exhibit a part of me believes there still needs to be someone next to me. That I should have invited someone else to what I have affectionately called Friday Date Night. Sometimes there is someone next to me, a friend or actual date, but those are the exceptions, not the norms. I have a compulsion to horde these adventures all to myself.

You’re probably wondering at this point where is the violence? I said this post was about violence and so far it’s been fluff. Well, hold your britches, it’s coming.

Part of this new era of my life I’ve also reacquainted myself with the love of learning. If I could, I would be a lifetime student, learning everything I could, attending every institution of learning available to me, having so many initials behind my name it would wrap around my urn. Sadly, funds don’t allow for continuous pursuits of degrees and PhDs, so I focused on what my community could offer me. There are tonnes of opportunities to learn new skills and hobbies within the radius of my city and the ones next door.

One of the first ones I took was a self defence class. It wasn’t my first time taking something like this so it was partly a refresher, but there was one very significant change to the curriculum of the ones I’ve taken before: the advocation for violence.

I have a diploma in Correctional Services and part of that training was how to disarm and restrain an inmate using a reasonable amount of force. Which is the legal way of saying I couldn’t beat them into submission. I had to assess the situation and make a judgement call on how best to respond physically, praying it was the right one. You better pray hard too, because every altercation was going to face an inquisition, and if you made the wrong choice you might end up the inmate next time.

I also took a self defence class when I worked in group homes and day programs for adults with disabilities. One of the most rewarding jobs I ever had, but also one of the most physical ones too. People with disabilities do not respond or react logically when faced with crisis or even a slight change to routine. They can lash out and be violent towards their carers. It’s not an easy job, you gotta have a thick skin and quick reflexes. Not every client is violent either, but I developed a reputation for being able to handle the high risk clients. I didn’t take things personally when they were verbally abusive, I didn’t get my feelers hurt when they called me names and I could take a hit. However, the Use of Force model was different for this clientele, focusing more on restraint until they calmed down. There was absolutely no retaliatory defence allowed.

So when I walked into this class and one of the first things the instructor said was use whatever force and/or weapon at your disposal to cause the most amount of damage so you can get away I was perplexed. For years and years I had been taught restraint, to protect and cause the least amount of harm. Now I was being encouraged to fight back. To match and exceed the violence being inflicted upon me. I was, for the first time ever, told that my safety was priority. To give zero fucks about the wellbeing of another.

It was antithesis to everything I’d been taught for 43 years.

It was liberating. I finally understood that scene in Ballerina, to fight like a girl. Women are not the weaker sex, but we have some disadvantages to being the smaller one. I’m not a light person, I can and have hefted my weight when I needed to. I’ve fought against men who were lighter than I, but had the upper body strength to force me into positions I didn’t want to be. Extrapolating myself from those positions wasn’t always possible, and I didn’t have the necessary skills to fight back that I do now.

Thankfully physical violence has been minimal in my life, but the few times I faced it before I had any kind of training I didn’t win. The few times I faced it after learning some skills, I got away, but I didn’t win. I didn’t know then I could inflict damage. I was just trying to defend and get away.

The techniques were standard to what I had learned before, but this time I was taught the carry through, to fight without prejudice, to make them hurt. There were no lectures on not throat punching the person choking me. I learned all the ways to get an attacker off me, where the soft spots are and how to incapacitate them so I can escape. I learned that I was not allowed to care about another persons well being, only my own. It took the concept of selfishness to a whole new level.

It was a short term class, only 8 lessons, and balanced in terms of gender. There were equal parts men and women, which allowed for some good hands on experience for the women of the class. It may have also instilled a bit of caution in the men too! I wanted to take more but this particular one was a 35-40 minute drive, each way, with a construction riddled commute that I abhorred. I looked for closer ones but at that time there wasn’t any. But as I start to plan my escapes from family, to ditch them 6 months at a time to travel solo around the world, I know I will need to continue building this skill set, and many others.

Firearms and archery are next on the course list!

Who knew being a bit selfish could be so much fun?!?!